Stuff I learned on Sunday

Why get up at 5:00 when you can get up at 6:00?

Why get up at 6:00 when you can get up at 7:00?

Why get up at 7:00 when your guilty conscience can drag you from bed at 6:30?

Head colds make worship much more interesting.

If you schedule two Sunday school classes for the same time, don’t cancel one; find a way to do them both.

High school debaters sometimes get sucked into a merciless torture chamber called a “weekend tournament.” Often,  they never reappear.

Sometimes the Children’s Time is an exercise in stretching a metaphor. Water=greeting people=welcome our new Nursery Director. But water also=saying goodbye to people, which=farewell to the departing Nursery Director and also=commissioning people for a work trip=Jesuslovesyouamen.

If the Children’s Music Director has the flu, the Associate Pastor may spend the second hour of worship on the floor with children tapping out a rhythm to “Happy.”

If the rhythm sticks can’t be found, that can of markers will work just fine.

The apple juice is in the nursery.

When the 9:00 youth Sunday school hour is up, sometimes the volunteer teacher stays in the youth room and talks with students–throughout the worship hour.

Two members of my church are turning some heads with this blog.

If the president of a seminary is your guest preacher, you may get to take him to lunch.

If you think you’re taking the seminary president to lunch, he may actually be taking you to lunch.

The seminary president’s spouse used to direct this really cool college for preachers at the National Cathedral that doesn’t exist anymore.

If you take the seminary president to lunch, your colleague will take him to the airport. Division of labor.

The Royals host the A’s for the AL Wildcard on Tuesday. There’s a ticket with my name on it in KC, but I can’t get there to claim it.

Jillian Michaels is The Devil. 

Sometimes, all Daughter will eat is beans.

You learn a lot less on Sunday when you’re not at youth group. Struggling to not text students.

The Homeland season 1 finale will keep you up past your bedtime.

Note: Monday Morning Quarterback is a recurring post that examines personal and pastoral events of Sunday.

6:00. Up n’ at ’em, boss

6:05. Look in the mirror to see my left eye has puffed up overnight in some strange allergic episode. It’s a nice compliment to the large infected hair follicle on my neck.

6:18. Taking antibiotics. And Zyrtec. And Ibuprofen.

6:21. Coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

6:28. Check email to find the sermon manuscript from a student who’s preaching for Youth Sunday this morning. Contains the phrase, “This is not what I’m actually going to say.”

6:43. Reading this article over granola

7:32. Getting dressed. Wife says, “You need to clean up the patio this afternoon.” Right. Check. Got it. No problem. Silent assenting nod.

7:56. Arrive at church and head straight for sanctuary. Do not pass office. Do not collect 200 voice messages.

8:04. Moving chairs onto the chancel. It’s Youth Sunday. That always means more chairs for some reason.

8:09. Writing an announcement about our youth work trip car wash to be read by a student.

8:15. Writing an announcement about today’s Teacher Appreciation emphasis to be read by another student. No idea who that will be yet.

8:26. Allergy fog moving in.

8:43. Text from sound tech student about the Introit his sister planned and that we practiced 27 times at yesterday’s rehearsal: “I’m not 100% sure that will work.” Baffled.

8:51. Sound tech student’s sister enters the sanctuary and briefs me on the sibling squabble that produced her brother’s text.

8:53. Sanctuary ready. Bring on the students, who were told and texted repeatedly to be here at 9:00.

9:08. Text from student: “9:00 or 9:15?”

9:13. Running the Introit, you know, just to make sure it works. It’s a recorded song played through an auxiliary cable on the sound board. It worked every time during yesterday’s rehearsal, and it works now. No worries.

9:30. Texting one of the student preachers: “Where are you?”

9:32. Reply from student preacher: “Do you need me for something?” Panic.

9:40. 3/4 of the youth string quartet that’s playing in worship arrives just in time for a five minute rehearsal.

10:00. Student-led prelude has begun. Youth Sunday is underway.

10:04. Realize during announcements I forgot to recruit a student to read the one about Teacher Appreciation. Gesture frantically to the student closest to the front on the chancel. He descends the steps to the first pew and I tell him the announcement’s on the lectern and he just needs to read it. He’s got this.

10:06. Student calling for Teacher Appreciation announcement. My guy calmly crosses the chancel to the lectern, fumbles with papers, checks back sides of papers, then gives me look of panic. Calmly stroll to the lectern and point him to the paper he needs to read. That moment when your own lack of preparation makes a student look bad . . .

10:09. Student sets up the Introit. She’s worked on this for two weeks: a choreographed energizer to “Happy.” She calls for the music, and . . . nothing. Awkward laughter as she and two other leaders stand up front, waiting for music to start. After 20 seconds or so, inauspiciously stroll down the center aisle (to more nervous laughter) to the sound board to find sound tech student in a panic. The thing is playing, but no sound is coming out. This is a thing that happens sometimes, but it didn’t happen once during our extensive preparation. Make necessary tweak, and it starts working. Assure sound tech student it’s not his fault. He’s panting.

10:10. Introit underway, and it’s as cool as we thought it would be. And I’m happy.

10:37. Because it’s Youth Sunday I can sit with Wife and Daughter during the service. That’s nice, until Daughter starts climbing my back.

10:47. Some confusion on the chancel transforms the normal phrase, “Let us dedicate our offering” to “Let us praise the dedication.”

10:58. Rehearsing the charge and benediction with the two student preachers during the final hymn. Forgot to actually plan this part . . .

11:06. Fielding annual Youth Sunday feedback on the patio, which is a less-than-artful hybrid of praise for students’ leadership and complaint that they weren’t loud enough.

12:35. Lunch with Wife and Daughter. Planning afternoon in my head: clean patio, maybe watch rest of iTunes rental movie before it expires, maybe watch some of Royals game, maybe, even, nap. Thoughts interrupted by Wife: “You need to take Daughter swimming this afternoon.” Not. In. The. Plan.

2:00. At pool with Daughter. She’s talking, but I keep nodding off. She’s losing patience.

3:30. Cleaning the patio.

3:43. Text from high school student: “We’re not having youth group, right?”

3:44. Text all high school students: “See you at 7 tonight for youth group!” I got this.

4:30. Jr. High Youth Group. Two students.

5:43. Youth Intern describes me as “malevolent.”

6:12. Ordering pizza for high school youth group. Complete order and remember about the gluten-intolerant kid. Order another pizza from another place that has gluten free crust. Wonder if the delivery guys will fight in our parking lot.

7:34. High school youth group devolving into fart talk.

8:12. Youth Intern reading Book of Legends portions to students about Adam and Eve. They’re riveted.

9:02. Student begs to borrow Book of Legends. Resistant at first, but relent with the realization that this is exactly the kind of thing you want to happen in youth ministry.

9:09. Circling the campus with student while checking all the doors. He’s crossing himself and pronouncing a blessing his grandma taught him. It’s kind of freaking me out.

9:28. Drop student off and head home.

9:58. “The rental period for this movie has expired.”

Note: Monday Morning Quarterback is a recurring post that examines personal and pastoral events of Sunday.

5:25. No timestamps this week.

Friday and Saturday was our overnight youth retreat and service day with another church in town. This used to be a 30 Hour Famine, but for reasons I explored here we had food this year and focused on the problem of homelessness. Some kids missed the famine. I’m listening.

I spent a lot of mental time on Saturday mulling future possibilities with this other church. This is the third consecutive year we’ve done this event together, and our students clearly benefit from working together. And they’re very different types of kids. Also, I like their leader, and he’s told me in other conversations that he’s mulling a change in format away from weekly youth groups and toward more frequent special events.

So I’m having youth collective ideations and wondering if the next several months might not be the time to move on them.

Three things from Sunday:

1. A mother with three small children who months ago arrived as a frazzled guest and left 10 minutes into the service after he toddler went tearing down the center aisle was back yesterday so that her daughter could receive a Bible in worship. Our Children’s Ministry Director has maintained contact with her and invited her. I was totally in the dark. The work our Children’s Ministry Director done is second to none. And I mean none.
2. A “Big Picture Group” gathered in the afternoon to grapple with some of the major transitions happening in the world and think about how our church needs to respond: strategic thinking; discernment; opportunities; risks. So much energy. So many ideas. More please.
3. Fresh off of the Big Picture conversation about opportunities, the last 15 minutes of junior high youth group got interrupted by one of the leaders of the Indonesian congregation that worships with us. A few weeks ago we’d spoken for a couple minutes about their youth joining ours some time. “Sure,” I’d said. “Let’s talk about that!” Now, he’s at the door with four obviously reluctant students behind him, saying, “They’re joining you now.” Stop everything. Welcome them in. Reboot the gathering with ice breakers. One of their students doesn’t talk, and my volunteer takes the reigns and leads a game that requires no talking. My people are great. Seriously, great.

Now I’m indulging speculation about what our junior high youth group might become with a contingent of Indonesian youth. But they’re in high school. So now I’m wondering how the whole schedule of gatherings might change.

What if, instead of an afternoon junior high group followed by an evening high school group, you had an afternoon gathering for ALL youth that was high on recreation and physical activity like service projects followed by an evening gathering for ALL youth that was more conversational and study-based. Theoretically they might both combine junior high and high school students. Theoretically some students might want to do both. Theoretically . . .

How would you decide?

Note: Monday Morning Quarterback is a recurring post that examines personal and pastoral events of Sunday.

4:00. Alarm. Fell asleep working on the sermon last night, so here’s how this gets done.

4:37. Getting lost in Google Earth so I can name in my sermon the distances in miles from Jerusalem to Nazareth, Capernaum, and Bethlehem, respectively.

6:43. Closing the laptop on a sermon with no ending.

6:45. Enjoying some of the MASSIVE fruit salad I made yesterday. This thing should last all week.

6:53. Picking a tie in the dark=a dangerous move.

7:03. Out the door.

7:15. Set up the laptop in the pulpit to begin editing (and writing a conclusion).

7:32. Checking on my stack of T-shirts for handing out in the narthex. It’s a creative and interactive and very forward-thinking Palm Sunday worship idea that couldn’t possibly go wrong. Don’t worry about it.

7:52. Putting up Sunday School signs and suddenly remember that the youth Sunday School room has been overtaken by the preschool book fair. I knew about this and made alternate plans for afternoon youth groups but not Sunday School. Doh!

8:12. Catching up with Head of Staff, who was out of town all week.

8:58. Relocating Youth Sunday School class to library. Teachers smiling at me through gritted teeth.

9:12. Sitting in with Youth Sunday School as they finish preparations to lead next Sunday’s early morning Easter service.

9:13. The perfect opening hymn for this service wou–oh look a donut!

9:24. Student objecting to the Prayer of Confession language about the “cost” of following Jesus. Scanning the book shelves directly behind him for Bonhoeffer’s “The Cost of Discipleship.” 

9:49. Checking in with Head of Staff before the service and realizing that I’ve incorporated some out-of-the ordinary stuff in this service and not necessarily told her about it exactly so much really for the most part.

10:07. Making two of the three pulpit announcements entrusted to me. Forgetting the third.

10:08. Head of Staff calling on me to make the announcement I forgot to make earlier. It’s for an Easter vigil service, and I manage to describe it without a single use of the word “vigil.”

10:11. College student liturgist who I’ve recruited to lead a memorized call to worship and who is doing a bang-up job of it pauses a little too long between lines, and the organist launches into the opening hymn. Dazed liturgist stammers off the chancel.

10:12. The palm procession is a train of kids parading around the sanctuary waving palms at worshipers who are waving them back at them. Fun.

10:14. Liturgist now leading Prayer of Confession from memory and with drama. He’s goooood.

10:18. As children scramble forward for the Time with The Children (where the very creative, forward-thinking, interactive T-shirt activity is to take place), someone tells me that most people wouldn’t take the shirts when they came in. Uh oh. The whole Time with The Children, Scripture lesson, and sermon depend almost entirely on lots of people having these shirts to lay down in the center aisle. Hadn’t considered for a moment that people might actually decline taking them.

10:22. Whatever. There’s enough. It’ll work. Remembering that I work with competent and creative people who can cover over my lack of preparation.

10:25. Launching into my first attempt at Biblical storytelling. With lots of guidance from the inestimable Casey Wait Fitzgerald, I’ve practiced these dozens of times this week. Now suddenly afraid I’m going to trip down the chancel steps.

10:27. Still on my feet.

11:01. Liturgist now leading a memorized charge and benediction. Hoping he realizes he’s just creating a need for himself.

11:12. Man from Jerusalem informs me that I misstated the distance from Jerusalem to Bethlehem. I’d said “22 miles” because that’s what Google Maps had showed me, depicting a long circular route. When I explain this, the man from Jerusalem says, “That’s because of the occupation. It’s really walking distance.” Remember that I know nothing about anything in the world that’s important.

11:25. Making plans to meet Wife and Daughter for lunch in an hour after I lead the Lenten small group.

12:45. Lenten small group still going.

1:03. Arrive at the restaurant where Wife and Daughter have finished their meals and mine is waiting for me. Wife=the best.

1:30. Check the At Bat app on my phone prior to heading home. Pleased to find the Royals have rallied in the 8th to take a 3-2 lead against the Twins. Eager to get home and watch the end.

1:38. Arrive home just in time to find that the Royals are now behind 4-3. Sigh.

1:52. Royals lose. Nap time.

1:55. Daughter excitedly showing me her sticker book creation.

1:57. Cats nestling in that crook between my knee and ankle.

1:58. Daughter jumping on my stomach and asking why the Royals lose so much.

2:12. Trying to teach Daughter to open Netflix by herself so I won’t have to get off the couch.  She can totally do it, and now, I realize, my life is very different from what it was a minute ago.

2:37. Giving up on nap. Making coffee.

2:46. Show wife newspaper article about Disney on Ice this coming weekend.

2:48. Receive text message confirmation of ticket purchase to Disney on Ice. Wait, what?

3:43. Getting daughter ready for play rehearsal. It’s production week. And Holy Week. Awesome.

4:19. Leaving for youth groups. Need more coffee.

4:48. Jr. high student divulges that her login name for Webkins used to be “ChaCha143.” Her peers are now resolved to call her that for the rest of the day.

4:52. Student says, “I tried to give up sweets for Lent, but that didn’t work.” Me: “Why didn’t it work?” Student: “They’re just really good.”

4:55. Urging students to take one week Lenten disciplines. Here’s a commitment: “I commit to being nice to everybody this week. Except my brother.”

5:06. Playing “Run on The Bank” outside, crouching in the bushes with a student. This violates every risk management policy we have.

5:08. Student in camo’s is telling everyone “get down!” Dude, this is a church game, not Call of Duty.

5:48. Intern has brought white wine vinegar for students to smell as we hear the passion story. Student in camo’s drinks some. I love junior high.

6:30. Gathering with high school students at the multiplex for Noah.

6:50. Not appreciating the trailer for “The Other Woman” with my group of high school dudes.

7:22. When Anthony Hopkins appears as Methuselah, whisper to the Youth Volunteer next to me, “Of course it’s Anthony Hopkins. Was Morgan Freeman not available?” Her answer: “Morgan Freeman is God.”

9:30. Dropping a student off home.

9:43. Home. Wife has made daughter’s lunch and prepped everything for Monday morning. Wife=bestbestbest.

Note: Monday Morning Quarterback is a recurring post that examines personal and pastoral events of Sunday.

5:10. Alarm. That the clock reads 10 after the hour means the alarm went off once already. I have no memory of that.

5:33. Sit down to start working on adult ed Sunday school lesson. Start by trying to memorize the story.

6:12. Consider using a piece of music to reflect on Jesus’ question, “What are you looking for.” There are good options and bad options.  Never mind. There are no good options.

6:49. Breakfast is a banana parfait, which is fancy pants talk for mashed up banana topped with cornflakes. So, baby food.

7:14. Getting dressed. Ask Wife, “Are you coming to my Sunday School class?” Wife: “Uh, no. I’m sleeping.” Alright. Awesome.

7:37. Making Daughter a smoothie for breakfast. The blender is alive with strawberries!

8:20. Printing signs and Sunday school sign in sheets. Daughter racing to the printer to retrieve papers. Its literally her favorite thing about Sundays.

8:31. Setting up still image Head of Staff wants to display during her sermon. Suggest I could cue up some wolf howl noises as a reprise of my performance a couple of weeks ago when I started playing a video too early. Why isn’t she laughing?

9:08. Start Sunday school class with the prompt: “Think of a time when someone asked you a question that caught you off guard.” Answers include, “Why did you teach those dirty books?” from a former teacher and “Where is home?” asked of a former missionary by her four year-old (bonus: the older sibling’s answer to the four year-old was, “Home is wherever mom isn’t.”).

9:40. Invite Sunday school class to take a moment to silently consider Jesus’ “What are you looking for?” for themselves. The silence is rich.

9:52. I let Sunday school run long, now I’m racing to the sanctuary to turn on announcement slides. Pass the Head of Staff assembled with the communion servers. Cover my face and duck behind them unseen.

10:11. The Prayer of Confession this morning is two junior high girls singing what we’re calling “A contemporary song.” I know my seminary professors would roll their eyes at this, but I’m choking up a bit.

10:20. Children’s time is an art project led by the CE Director. Wait. When I texted her from NEXT that “we should try a Children’s Time that involves kids making some art” I didn’t mean, like, this week!

10:30. Children’s time art project running long. Kids filling baby food jars with fragrant oil and decorating them with stickers. The congregation is totally dialed in though.

10:34. Turn on still image for Head of Staff’s sermon.

10:39. Still image turns to blue screen. Forgot to adjust computer settings. It went to sleep. Seriously. How hard is this?

10:41. Head of Staff working her whole sermon around, “Say something I’m giving up on you.” I’m a little bit in awe.

10:52. Wife has retrieved Daughter and Playmate for communion. They’re in the front pew. Playmate is laying with her head in Daughter’s lap while Daughter strokes her hair.

10:57. Playmate takes two pieces of communion bread!!

11:23. Remark to Wife how precious Daughter and Playmate looked. She corrects me: “They were playing a game: Playmate was a crazy baby and Daughter was her mommy.”

11:46. Meeting to plan kid-friendly Easter vigil. CE Director ordered pizza. I’ll plan a baby-friendly service for pizza.

12:44. Meeting Wife and Daughter at the park. Gleeful to discover student there. On a date. About 200 yards away.

12:45. Text student, “Why weren’t you in church?”

12:45. Text student, “Don’t you hate it when people text you while you’re on a date?”

12:45. Text student, “Like, a lot.”

12:46. Student calls. “You should know this doesn’t happen very often. You should stop now.” Stopping.

1:42. Walking with Wife and Daughter to get pie and coffee. It’s a sunny 77 degree Sunday afternoon and we’re going for pie and coffee; why can’t every day be like this?

2:23. Negotiating junior high youth group snacks by text. High school youth group snack texts going unreturned.

4:44. Two students for junior high youth group. Four adults.

5:18. Students sitting on the curb while I tell the Jesus temptation story from the middle of the street, all so I can point to the mountains behind me at verse 8.

5:48. Game of Things with this youth group can mean only one thing: dead hamster jokes.

7:11. Two students for high school youth group. Five adults.

7:33. Listening to this gem from TAL about The Apology Line.

9:00. Youth group ends with one student storming away irritated at the other student. Awesome. I can’t prevent conflict when there are only two kids.

9:14. Pitching the Intern on the Youth Ministry Coaching Program (see what I did there?).

9:30. Return home to find that Wife has signed all the tax papers and arranged them all with their respective payments paper clipped to color coded envelopes. Decide she gets a pass on skipping my Sunday school class.

Note: Monday Morning Quarterback is a recurring post that examines personal and pastoral events of Sunday.

5:00. Alarm. Yeah, that’s not happening.

5:30. Awakened by a lack of preparedness and a persistent fear of failure.

5:58. Facebook text from a pastor friend on the east coast:

6:12. Double batch of granola going into the oven.

6:48. Preparing the Lenten Group, which I’ve yet to lead or even attend. Decide for style over substance; PowerPoint it is.

Note: Monday Morning Quarterback is a recurring post that examines personal and pastoral events of Sunday.

4:30. Alarm. Sermon’s not done. Normally I don’t sleep on unfinished sermons, but I fell asleep at the keyboard at 1 am, so up we get.

5:12. Decide to illustrate a move in the sermon by telling of this little boy. Can’t get think my way through it without crying.

6:48. Sermon phrases piling up like a 72 car pileup in the fog. Need to eat.

7:46. Standing in the pulpit in an empty sanctuary, preaching from my laptop and editing as I go. This always takes longer than I think it will.

8:06. Weekend custodian arrives with vivid story of his latest solo camping trip out to the desert, this one complete with windstorms and threats of gunfire.

8:38. Head of Staff comes into the sanctuary. Sermon editing done. Sorta.

8:45. Sunday School guest presenters arrive early. I’m so not ready for them. Also, they’re sick.

8:55. Print Sunday School sign in sheets, visitor signs, and sermon manuscript. Leave signs in the pulpit, hang manuscript on the bulletin board.

9:28. Sunday School presenter tearing up as she relates the loss of her home to the war in Beirut in 1976.

9:31. Other Sunday School presenter urging the church to seek justice in the West Bank. “If you think it’s okay for Israel to bulldoze Palestinians’ homes, fine. If not, then you should do something about it.”

9:47. Setting up the PowerPoint slides with worship announcements. My plan to hand this off to a student hasn’t taken hold yet.

9:51. Text from acolyte: “I’ll be there at 3 minutes before 10.”

9:57. Acolyte arrives. No joke.

10:14. Time with The Children is a race between four unsuspecting worshipers recruited by youth to fold a paper fish bank.

10:27. As Head of Staff reads the first Scripture reading before the sermon, suddenly feel the dizzying weight of sleeplessness. This could be ugly.

10:37. Impromptu sermon joke: the charismatic church I attended as a kid spoke of the saved and the unsaved. The unsaved we called “Presbyterians.” That one killed.

10:48. I’m on the far side of the chancel without a worship bulletin, so I don’t know the hymn number. Cross the chancel to the acolyte, who is holding an open hymnal and singing. Notice, however, that he doesn’t know the hymn either; he’s just singing, “I like cheese.”

11:08. Worshiper relates a recent experience that relates to the sermon: he bet on a horse called “Rise to Faith” and won! “Great,” I say, “So you’ll be donating those winnings to the church then?” No I don’t. I don’t say that.

11:10. More sermon feedback: “You’re going to be hearing from people about this.” Sounds menacing.

11:48. Daughter finishes singing lesson with church’s Children’s Music Director. There’s homework involved, but Daughter’s not talking about it. Secrecy abounds . . .

12:27. Lunch is brunch. There’s champagne involved. Didn’t see that coming. I dunt nurmully drnk affer chrch on Sunday ’cause the fatigue sssets in un the alcuhl–I love you guyz!

12:48. Tweet from Adam:

Recommend “Run on The Bank” with the snide suggestion that he leave the lights on. That’s because . . . this.

1:12. Desperate for a nap. Daughter’s not having it. Instead, it’s “Let It Go” and much dancing.

2:08. Finally drifting off when phone rings. It’s a junior high student. “Hey can I come to youth group at 4:00 today?” I tell him that’s the scheduled time. “Oh,” he says. “I thought it was 3:45. Bye.” Hangs up.

4:49. Junior high outing to the trampoline place. I love this pl–ah! My back!

5:12. Hobbling around now taking pictures.

6:13. Driving back with two junior high guys. One says to the other, “Hey, when did you post that one picture on Facebook?” Other says, “A couple of months ago. In February. Or whenever New Years was.”

6:46. Youth Intern and his fiancee, another Youth Volunteer, going on a coffee run before high school youth group. May they be held in the highest esteem for the remainder of their days and ever after. Amen.

7:14. Showing off the Chromecast for the Youth Intern. Really pleased with myself for integrating technology for the formation of young peoples’ faith. This is how its supposed to work. Really, I’m the best.

7:15. Student hijacks the Chromecast with their phone to show a goat video.

7:17. Another student hijacks the Chromecast with a different YouTube video and declares, “You’re right Rocky. This this is the best!”

7:27. Soul Pancake check in prompt: how are you selfish?

7:39. Share that I’m selfish with information: I want to know things before others do. Share that I do this with my wife, who can’t ever tell me about a viral video without me acting like I’ve already seen it. Volunteer pronounces, “That’s because his wife’s the only one in their family who actually works.” Room erupts. Volunteer demands, “That better be on your blog tomorrow!”

8:01. Taking my own recommendation and playing Run on The Bank.

8:23. Youth Intern showing a highlight reel of Pope Francis. Students are kinda geeked over him.

9:13. Driving home, receive a text from a colleague about something I’m supposed to have prepared for a local conference this week. Totally unprepared. Freaking out.

9:58. Colleague texts me the material I need for the conference. Start to look at it, then fall asleee . . . .

Note: Monday Morning Quarterback is a recurring post that examines personal and pastoral events of Sunday.

6:00. Alarm. Grab phone to turn it off and discover text sent at 11:30 last night. It’s from the college student youth leader who had agreed to lead jr. highs today in my absence, and it reads, “Is it too late to cancel? I feel like I’m not adequately prepared to lead it.”

6:01. I’m up.

6:14. Putting on a big pot of oatmeal for the family’s breakfast.

6:37. Putting together a junior high youth group lesson with specific instructions. Clearly the “you-could-do-this-or-you-could-do-that” method of planning has failed.

6:41. Doing that thing I despise in youth curriculum writing: proposing “discuss” as a meaningful path to learning for adolescents.

6:53. I don’t know about you guys, but I love oatmeal with raisins and chopped apples.

7:12. Looking over Head of Staff’s “Communion At The Improv” liturgy, an attempt to inject some improvisation into worship on Jazz Sunday by making the communion litany up as we go. How hard can that be?

7:39. Strapping on my favorite shoes and heading out the door.

8:12. Using a Google Drive Presentation to do announcement slides at the beginning of worship. Want to see it?

8:48. Checking in on adult education class about the PC(USA) 2008 social creed. All systems go.

8:51. Checking in on adult education class about a compassion-themed TED Talk. All systems go.

8:53. Checking in on youth Sunday School class. No, not really. That’s a well-oiled machine; my checking in only jams the gears.

8:55. Checking in on nursery volunteers. All infants go.

8:56. Considering the evolution of my job that finds me now the default Sunday School Superintendent.

8:59. Walking 9th grade a/v volunteer through the projection system. He’s never run it before but seems confident. Don’t even think twice about giving him my computer password.

9:07. Settle into that TED talk class with a cup of coffee the leader has brewed. She’s magic. As the video of Joan Halifax begins, the man next to me (a seminary professor) mutters under his breath, “Oh Joan, who dressed you?”

9:26. Sneaking out after the video to spend some time in the other class. Also, my coffee cup is empty.

9:33. Spy the 9th grade a/v volunteer making his way to the sanctuary as instructed. Also spy his two friends making their way with him, as not instructed.

9:40. Being scolded by the guest jazz group’s piano player for placing our projector on top of the organ. “This is a $30,000 instrument!” he says. “I know, right? Isn’t it amazing?”

9:44. There’s a lone Deacon struggling with communion preparation. I offer to go find another, and she falls to the floor in tears of gratitude. Done.

10:08. Worship has begun and the mic’s aren’t working. Sneak off the chancel to go consult with 9th grade a/v volunteer. These kids are so inexperienced and they pay so little attention to what’s goi–wait. What’s that? Oh, you say I never turned my mic on? Right. Got it. As you were.

10:10. Return to the chancel with the opening hymn in full swing. Not only that, but worshipers have begun skipping down the aisles.

10:12. As the opening hymn is ending, make my way to the pulpit to lead the Prayer of Confession. Only, since this is Jazz Sunday, hymns don’t end when you think they will. Stand next to the pulpit like a dummy for the five additional verses of “I Shall Not Be Moved.”

10:19. Trying to explain communion for the Time with The Children by having the coronet player from the jazz band play something. He chooses a horse race bugle call. Perfect. How will the kids understand sacramentology now?

10:46. The moment of communion improv is here, and I’m not exactly killing it. More like turning The Lord’s Supper into The Lord’s Mutter.

11:19. Elder approaches me on the patio after worship with six words of terror: “I think you should see this.”

11:21. Looking at a pool of water bubbling up from the ground near the fellowship hall. Smelling sewage. Looking for the Head of Staff.

12:14. Confirmation class lesson on “Reformed-and-always-reforming” jumps directly to a student asking me, “So can you do a same-sex wedding?”

1:31. Driving about 40 miles to a meeting of this summer’s presbytery youth mission trip team. En route, hearing a description from a student’s dad of the kind of portable bathroom you have to take with you on a six day canoe trip, how to assemble it, and, of course, how to USE it.

2:14. Seeing students from other churches I know from past events but whose names I’ve forgotten. Greeting them with, “Heyyy, youuuu.”

3:00. For a team building game, my colleague has chosen charades, and the phrase he’s picked is, “Going to the bathroom on the bus.” Decide pretty easily that the price of winning this game is much higher than the price of accurately depicting going to the bathroom to an 8th grade girl.

3:58. On the drive home, student’s dad is trying to explain a math riddle I should do with the students. It involves toothpicks and Roman numerals and OH MY GOD I’M EXHAUSTED.

4:38. Students arriving for jr. high youth group. Even though I made it back in time, I still want the college student to lead. He’s prepped. He’s ready.

4:44. Two boys pummeling each other with pool noodles. Gently cajoling them to stop doesn’t work. Firmly instructing them to stop doesn’t work. Yelling at them to stop doesn’t work. I hate my life.

4:45. Threatening to call parents. Over pool noodles.

5:01. Playing a hide-and-seek game in the sanctuary. I’m volunteering to hide in the hopes that I will never, ever, be found.

5:22. Polling jr. high kids on rules they live by. One student insists on utilizing a hashtag, calling out, “Live life to the fullest! Hashtag!” Accommodate him by writing on the board, “Live life to the fullest hashtag.”

6:23. Running to the store across the street to get food for the high school youth group. Returning with macaroons, cheese, crackers, cookies, and soda. Never shop for youth group snacks when you’re hungry and tired.

7:02. Volunteer arrives for high school youth group with dinner for me: beans, slaw, and a tri tip he made earlier in the day. I love my life.

7:38. Playing The Game of Things with high schoolers. Hamster cancer promptly returns as a hilarious answer.

7:44. Game of Things prompt: “things old people should never do.” Some submitted, “Be a youth pastor” for an answer. Ouch.

8:44. My plan to assemble the Ash Wednesday liturgy with students has run aground on their fatigue and mine. Tongues lolling at the phrase, “penitence.”

8:55. On his father’s orders, student assembles the math riddle with the toothpicks and Roman numerals. Students suddenly come alive trying to solve it.

9:15. Home before Wife and Daughter, who went to an Oscar party. I will most certainly be asleep before they get home.

Note: Monday Morning Quarterback is a recurring post that examines personal and pastoral events of Sunday. 

My colleague experimented in worship today. She praised the Apostle Paul’s concise statement of the gospel–“I resolved to know nothing among you but Christ and him crucified”–and urged worshipers to work out their own summary of the good news using seven words or less.

Several congregants had been invited to share theirs:

“Christ’s love empowers people to do justice.”

“God’s gracious love is for you always.”

“Do no harm, take no shit.”

And mine: “God’s power is made perfect in weakness.”

The rest of the day, then, played out in seven-words-or-less episodes.

The confirmation class about the village of Chambon: “Jesus said, ‘feed the hungry.’ We did.”

The afternoon at home spent prepping food for the week’s meals: “Who knew celery root peeled so easily?”

The drive to youth groups: “Joey if you’re hurtin’ so am I.”

The junior high youth group: “We’ve wasted thirty minutes on Bible study!”

The high school youth group: “If you’re dating you must be kissing.”

[bonus high school youth group: “If you’re kissing you’re not necessarily dating.”]

Dropping student off, hearing about his role in the school choir’s “The Little Mermaid” concert: “Ariels aplenty; I’m the only Prince Eric.”

Driving home: “Oh, oh Joey I’m not angry anymore.”

Writing Monday Morning Quarterback: “How to align Youtube embed on left?”