Monday Morning Quarterback

Note: Monday Morning Quarterback is a weekly post reviewing Sunday, the busiest, most stressful, most gratifying day in the week of a pastor/parent/spouse/citizen.

 Song of The Day

6:13. Wake up. Alarm is set permissively for 7:00, since sermon wasn’t done til 2:00 am. Drifting back to sleeeeeee . . . .

6:43. Eyes open again. Forget it. I’m up.

7:14. Foregoing further sermon edits at home in favor of getting to the church, where I’ll edit from the pulpit in an empty sanctuary.

7:49. Quick-and-dirty design of a “thank you” postcard for the youth bake sale after church. On to sermon.

7:50. Children’s Director: “There’s a dead cat in the street outside. Can you come with me to see if it’s still breathing?” Me: “Sure. I love dead cats. Wait. Are you serious?”

7:52. Spot the felled feline from about 100 yards. That thing is dead, dead, dead.

7:53. Suggest to the Children’s Director that we should call animal control. Start back to the office. Stop. She asked me to come with her; I should be less of a jerkface and actually do what she asked. Kitty death march resumes.

7:55. Moment of silence. Children’s Director getting emotional. I’m still thinking of my sermon edit. What’s wrong with me?

8:12. Problem: printing quick-and-dirty postcard on cardstock. Not so quick: printer jam.

8:13. Jam extricated. Printing again. Jammed again.

8:16. After four jams, give up on the postcard in favor of getting a manuscript draft printed. Will edit by hand.

8:17. Printing sermon manuscript. Jammed again.

8:19. Head of Staff walks in to find my arm swallowed by the printer. “Um, good morning?”

8:31. Printer fight rages on. Children’s Director and Head of Staff have tagged in. Children’s Director wrapping scotch tape around the blunt end of a large plastic candy cane to try and retrieve rogue paper scrap.

8:33. Head of staff giggling and taking pictures. She. Wouldn’t. Dare.

8:35. Paper retrieved. Surprise! It’s not from my manuscript. It’s a shard from a mailing label last seen in 1868.

8:36. Printer still says it’s jammed. Rebooting. Stalking to office to edit on the laptop.

8:43. Manuscript finally emerges from the printer. Half of it is on the green cardstock meant for the postacard. I’ll redo it later.

8:45. Checking up on adult education class leader. She needs a DVD player. Facilities guy can’t find it. Only other option: my laptop. So much for redoing the manuscript.

8:56. Laptop threatening to install software updates while I’m fighting with to play the DVD.

9:11. Slip away from adult education class after facilitating one DVD clip. Pretty sure the laptop will restart while I’m gone.

9:19. Drop green sermon manuscript in the pulpit. The color is the most interesting thing about it.

9:28. Arranging items for youth bake sale.

9:39. Return to adult education classroom. Computer indeed restarted. Spend six minutes trying to play the second clip.

9:52. Recruiting jr. high student to acolyte and turn on graphic for sermon.

9:55. Text from high school student I recruited to lead the Children’t Time: “On my way.” Checking watch. Oh man.

10:06. Acolyte calling the congregation to worship with a full voiced “Hear the good news!” That’s what I’m talking about!

10:07. Spy my high school student during the opening hymn. Acknowledging his presence (dude rode his bike. Uphill)

10:11. Daughter belly crawling beneath the front pew. The acolyte next to me is amused.

10:18. High school student killing the Children’s Time. Beaming. I know that guy!

10:19. High school student: “My mom is a strong woman, just like I’m trying to be.” Relishing the thought of ribbing him about that later, then deciding not to.

10:21. Daughter and her playmate “sneaking” off the chancel, scooting their bottoms a foot at a time til they get to the steps. High school student unfazed.

10:26. Reading the scripture text I didn’t incorporate into the sermon. Realizing my oversight; it’s full of “Jews” and “Gentiles” language that would benefit from some comment. Oops.

10:48. Finishing sermon by ad-libbing a conclusion. Never do this.

11:09. Alternative Christmas Market and youth bake sale in full effect!

11:11. Problem: students aren’t telling people baked goods are for sale, and people are just taking them. Students too terrified to intervene.

11:12. Ripping a lemon bar from an octagenarian’s hand. “You think this stuff is free?! You think lemon bars grow on trees?!”

11:47. Wife: “Where’s our daughter?” Ummm . . .

11:49. Daughter not in office. Or youth room. Or any of her usual “secret” spots. Freaking out a little bit.

11:53. Wife steps outside and issues mama bird call.  Daughter comes running. What the–? How’d she–? Where was–? I give up.

12:36. Throwing together a salad for lunch while daughter dumps a quart of beef stock into her Hello Kitty crockpot for a “soup.”

12:39. Daughter chopping broccoli with a butter knife. Silly Daught–wait. It actually works?

1:14. Wife turns on the Sound of Music Live for us to watch while we have lunch. This could be bad.

1:22. Yep. It’s bad.

2:23. Escaping #somlive to fold laundry. Best bad option.

3:48. Wife suggest some “Punkin’ Chunkin'” to get rid of rotting pumpkin decorations. Daughter hurling produce from atop a stepladder onto the sidewalk? What could go wrong?

5:28. Jr. high students playing “the box game,” led by adult volunteer. Students roll a dice in turn. When it lands on six, you put on a pair of gloves and try to open a wrapped present before the next person rolls a six. Easy enough.

5:29. Oh. The gloves. I get it now . . .

5:30. Student curses and hurls present across the room.

5:32. Finally roll a six.

5:34. Roll my second six. Get into that package like a beast. Win. Win. Win.

5:35. Victory is mine. And a pair of socks.

7:20. Explaining summer work trip to high school students. They’re hung up on the charter bus piece. Specifically, they’re worried about the bathroom situation on a charter bus. In the desert. In July.

7:57. Dusting off my copy of Soul Pancake for this discussion prompt: Why do we hate? Students responses are thoughtful, which is not surprising.

8:34. Volunteer proposes playing the game he just bought. Funny or Die. First thing I see is card that reads, “I’m not naturally this flexible.” This could be trouble.  Ask volunteer if game is PG-13. He smirks and doesn’t answer.

8:43. Students crying with laughter at game. Dropping resistance.

9:21. Home to find tree lit. Ahhhh.

9:28. Putting Daughter’s uniform in the washer for tomorrow morning.

9:37. Starting replay of Bronco game.

10:40. Nodding off at the end of the game . . .

11:03. Taking Daughter to her bed.

11:06. Out.

2 thoughts on “Monday Morning Quarterback

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