Monday Morning Quarterback
Note: Monday Morning Quarterback is a weekly post reviewing Sunday, the busiest, most stressful, most gratifying day in the week of a pastor/parent/spouse/citizen.
Song of the Day:
6:00. Awake. On the couch. For the fifth straight morning. Mom and In-Laws are in town for Daughter’s big theatrical debut and I’m rockin’ this couch like I’m in college.
6:43. Throwing together junior high youth group lesson on “friendship”: 1 measure of Proverbs+1 measure of Ruth & Naomi+2 measures of games=mediocre youth ministry.
8:21. Head of Staff arrives at church to say she’s not feeling well. Start preparing a sermon in my mind. On the Apocalypse.
8:47. Head of Staff discussing the morning with Children’s Director and I. She stops mid-sentence and swallows hard. Children’s Director and I both take one step back, to protect our shoes.
8:52. Text from wife: “Daughter still sleeping. Not coming to Sunday School.”
9:01. Adult Education leader arrives with her delightful daughter.
9:05. We have one Adult Education participant.
9:08. We have three Adult Education participants. Realize that my family’s absence has cut the attendance by more than half.
9:34. Adult Education leader throws a stack of papers all over the floor. On purpose. Why don’t I ever do cool stuff like that?
9:54. Grab unsuspecting 2nd grader to be the morning’s acolyte.
9:57. Head of Staff: “Your wife is looking for you.” Uh oh.
9:59. Wife: “Your mom is sick. She’s not coming to church.”
10:08. Acolyte struuuuuugling with the middle candle. The wick’s got bent back, and there’s no fixing it. I got this.
10:18. Daughter straight up picking her nose during the Children’s Time. Reflexively cover her face with my worship bulletin.
10:19. Children’s Time = demonstrating the superiority of singing by reciting “Hallelujah” vs. singing “Hallelujah.” Years of training, people.
10:20. Realize that I’m singing “Hallelujah” right into my lapel mic. There goes my “hidden” talent.
10:29. Head of Staff choking her way through the sermon. On standby, ready to be on vomit duty. Then begin to wonder: is she sick or emotional?
10:38. Sermon over. Whew! I work with a warrior.
11:18. Looking for Daughter in the tangled mass of patio fellowship. Find her in the Fellowship Hall directing her playmate in a number from yesterday’s play. Playmate’s a good sport, but I feel Daughter’s clipboard hurtling and swearing is a step too far.
11:29. Daughter informed it’s time to go. Wailing and gnashing of teeth.
11:44. Stop by hotel to check on sick mom. She’s dizzy and lightheaded. Decide to run to urgent care.
12:28. Urgent care waiting room is a cesspool of sick. It’s The Walking Dead in here.
1:12. Urgent care verdict: nothing irregular. Sinus congestion only.
2:04. Arrive back home just in time to enjoy a beautiful lunch laid out by wife and In-Laws: salad and cheese and bread. Relaxing a bit . . .
2:08. Music for lunch is the cat howling from it’s bathroom penitentiary.
3:07. Daughter attacks Wife with sword and shield. Wife: “No fair! I’m unarmed!”
3:08. Daughter bounds down the stairs with a second sword and shield. En guard!
3:15. It’s my turn to sword fight Daughter. Let me work in some Monty Python jokes. She’ll love those.
3:16. “None shall pass.” Daughter=stone-faced.
3:17. “‘Tis but a flesh wound!” Daughter=sticking out her tongue.
3:18. “I’ll bit your legs off!” Daughter=”Daddy, are you serious?”
4:04. Off to junior high youth group.
5:03. Youth group exercise: students share what a friend would have to do to lose their friendship. One student says, “Make me angry.”
5:12. Another youth group exercise: students create a job description to be their friend, including Qualifications and Duties. 6th grader chuckles at “Duties.”
5:15. Leading Qualifications: “cool,” “popular,” and “has money.” Oh. My. God.
6:09. Quick stop back home to pick up In-Laws and take them with me to an event I’m partially responsible for, a talk by this guy at the local Jewish temple that we’re co-sponsoring.
6:15. Leaving for event, and it’s the last Daughter will see of Grandma before the latter flies home in the morning. Daughter refusing to hug Grandma. I’m fuming.
6:52. Meeting the speaker. Resist the urge to say, “Nice to finally meet the guy who’s been calling me weekly since June.”
7:38. Audience member interrupts speaker to challenge him on a minute detail of his talk. People squirming.
8:48. Enjoying the always-excellent baked goods provided by the Temple. They put Presbyterians to shame here.
9:07. Back home. Daughter wants a snack. Sigh.
9:34. Discussing the ills of the world with In-Laws over a late microwaved dinner.
10:02. Looking for replay of Broncos’ game. It’s not up yet. Cursing professional sports and media.
10:03. Collapse on the couch. The Broncos will wait until morning.